Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
