someone threw a dead crab at me
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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