I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
