My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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