she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
