I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
