I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
