Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
NoShamevember. You game?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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