carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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