new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
