he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
