its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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