I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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