I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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