i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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