ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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