Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
home. puking in laundry basket.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
