so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
