wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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