I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
