Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
