they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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