Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
