I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
