I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
