the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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