his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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