4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
