My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
