I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
