Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
