please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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