you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
