I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
