just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
