arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
