I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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