Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
