i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
