Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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