My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
