Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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