Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
