Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
