Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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