the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
