dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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