i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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