Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
