Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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